Inforiel

Winter Life

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:26:11 GMT

My birthday passed by, mostly unnoticed by all but a chosen IRL bunch which I owe a whole load of joy and cheer to. You guys/girls know who you are, if you read this, I love you all.

As some of ya know my last journal was made just as I got a job picking tomatoes earlier this year, a season-based job where I ran up and down lines 25 metres long and he wanted us to pick the entire lines within 30 min when it seemed physically impossible to get it down below 60 min a line. So, not only was the pay horrid, workhours earlier to early, it was also stressful like hell. Yet I fucking love having a job and it feelt great, at least until I started getting allergic reactions to mold and stuff in there and the backs of my hands turned into gaping wounds which nowadays are a series of beutiful scars over my hands. What really got me pissed was that THE BASTARD cheated on taxes!! Not only did he just pay minimum wage, he payed BELOW minimum wage because around here taxes is 32%. I've reported him to the tax office and also to the unemployment centre since they, by sending me to that job, aided in getting me into a 'black job'. I might get both legal and financial issues just because of this and I'm pondering a lawsuit towards the unemployment centre... but it's a government run agency so I doubt it would work at all.

Now, you may think the above sounds negative when ya read it - But trust me, I can say it with enthusiasm - Lousy pay, hard hours and no love for employes health?! I'LL TAKE IT! Stress doesn't get to me as long as noone disturbs my 8 hours of sleep a day, long days or short days doesn't matter to me and the pay? Well, I have a wierd relationship to money. I can be a greedy scrooge and I want to get rid of a few debts I still owe, but other than that I don't care much about em... and even if I'd be scrouging together millions, I could gather it all up and put it on fire just to prove a point about me not caring about them. Well, at least if I get permission to do so from the police and government since otherwise it's a federal crime... xD

To wrap things up - I've gotten a new job as a salesconsultant. I'm part of a crew working directly under 'the boss' Mevin Mutton. He's a nice Australian fella who's apparently been part of 'The Cobra Group' for quite some time as he's worked his way up to own his own business and whatnot. As an employee of Thoroughbred - Mevins company - I got the choice between BTB & Residental sales. I choose BTB because I feel I can do a better work there and was thus plunged into business the last Friday of November and the past week. I've already learnt massive amounts of things, the days are long and tiring, but I got what I need in my head. Product information and such, it's set in stone, chiseled like a statue of a greek god with the difference my memory seldom falters when my focus was really there. Now my focus is set on what I lack, namely experience. I'm out there, talking face to face with potential clients. And it's my job to get rid of 'potential' in that sentence. And once I get my act together, I won't even use the word 'potential' anymore! :D There's clients. All around. They just don't know it yet!

Hmm.. Overdue update. Long read ahead - Comments appreciated.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 14:49:53 GMT

Yupp.. Time for a new one, definatly.

Been a couple of things since last update.

RL business with neighbour reaching it's climax, it's now set that we're losing half our garden and with them a bunch of things I've photographed and posted over at my DA account under "Garden Memories" titles. Link to DA: http://inforiel.deviantart.com/gallery/

There's been a buddy from Holland visiting Sweden again and having a nice time - hopefully - with the gang over here. He stayed almost a full month or just over even and it was really nice to have him around, even though it turned out a lot lazier than the previous 2 times he's been on leave from the dutch navy and visited us. Some roleplaying, some MtG playing and general chitchat.

Spent a lot of time with friends until say a month and a half back, unusally high activity and all... Really enjoyed it to, then things had to catch up and get serious again. At least I got a job now. Will have been employed for a month when this week ends... I'm the peoples will reaching out and collecting tomatoes to fullfill their united desire for... well, tomatoes.
Yes, I like encouraging myself with Soviet-stylished communistic propaganda. Every last slap of color makes things easier.

Been ill these past two days, unstable stomach and headaches that come and go. Hopefully the saying "Ain't worse than ya make it" rings true and I'll be able to hold it off now and go back to work tomorrow, sitting at home is driving me nuts... Giving me all to much time to think.
Thinking is the worst thing possible for me right now. Hate thinking. Easier to be happy without it. Not like I need to think to be smarter than the average human anyway, old proven fact.

Hmm.. Well, I do need to use my brain to some extent and this lil journal update brought up some of the better bits. I'm thinking of my buddy and his girl who's moving down here to live with him, wishing them all the best of luck.

I'm thinking of another pair I know well and cheerish, they recently had an interesting business idea I'd actually support if they desire to develop it... And in the least, I wish them best of luck with their ongoing studies.

Talking to another buddy of mine about meeting up this weekend, just for a day and hang out.. laze about, watch a movie.. Maybe try and sort things out with yet another fella where things have been kinda tense for a while.

Aaaaand... Well, I can finish off by mentioning I've been poking a bit at the stock market.. considering doing some serious investments after I turn unemployed again this Novemeber.. a bit attracted towards the market now but my gut says it ain't the right time. And my gut feeling is what I prefer to trust. :)

It's how I win most of the time, after all.

A day of fond memories..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 09:39:43 GMT

..Got home from being at a friends place, which is the closest I'm getting to a vacation for the nearest couple of years.

And now as I got home, I started watching the Star Trek Voyager series.. And after a few episodes I found myself crying with a wide smile, remembering how I used to sit with my grandpa during high school lunch hours and watch this show - which I recorded for him every time it aired just for us to watch it together.

I take great pride in saying that grandpa was.. and still is.. a major influence in my life. There's just no way one can be around a man like him and not become a better man, at least that is how things feel to me. He was kind, generous, caring and spent his life doing hard work and seeking out what he preffered to do.

He's one of the few people I've ever been able to talk to aimlessly or, something truelly extraordinary for me since I tend to babble away, sit silently with and.. not have that awkward silence.. but rather a shared understanding of content with each others company. He did not become a bitter man from losing his dear beloved wife... He weept, he mourned, he waited for his turn and hoped to join her in some kind of afterlife. We never spoke about religion, souls or anything like that... It was something that never came up since we spoke of the present and what laid before us right now. Speculation was not really his thing, and it took me a lot of years to even start understanding that is a choice which is propably for the best.

My grandfather lived alone for ten years.. I visited him less frequently in his final months, I shamefully admit... Cancer dwindled his body and mind away and I drew away from that sight. Rest in peace, my dear grandparents who set my mother into this world. I'll always remember and care. It's the least I can do for the many years you spent caring for me.

Another relation cut away.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 16:36:07 GMT

Hmm, online life has sure changed over these.. 5 years I've been around now. Well, it will be 5 years just before October starts, about as long as I've been a furry and all, considering I came online purely because of furry life for starters.

During the years it's become more and more for the games since it seems furry friendslists just rush downwards after starting at a huge size. I've had close to 1000 furry people where I chatted with half regulary - More than half of them at a daily basis.

I suppose something must be mentally wrong with me, but that was the happiest time of my life to date. Feeling like I had found brethren, equals, people who thought alike and everything. People proved to be not only intellectual by standard but a whole heap of them were very creative and simply inspiring to be around. The friendships feelt awesome and back then, since I was a noncaring sack of living flesh which lived every day hoping it would be the last, that meant a real turning point to me.

Since then, I've done stupid shit, hurt people, been hurt, been put through crazy, stupid shit and intentionally manipulated, pummeled and hurt. Things that really were not that awesome, all while the list of friends dwindled downwards rapidly and one is left with such simple questions as "What am I doing wrong? Is it me or them?" and etc. Which really are not that useful thinking about at all.

This was all brought up because of another loss to my friends list. Question is if it was much of a loss anyway since this particular person seems to live by the idea that there is no such thing as friends, only playthings for her amusement. Just sitting down and going nostalgic right now, trying not to feel sad for even a moment since things, for me, as a person, have gotten different and better.

My real life friendships are the best, most awesome of people I can imagine and my family life has gotten... well, better. A lot of threats between me and my parents, but it's working out in a fine kind of balance.

Still, thinking back... I realize that the people I have proper contact with and call furry friends nowadays... Sparky, BigD/Devon, Skubeyah, Draconder, Dylan, Ragoth, Porn (the bunny), Trickthefox. They're becoming very rare sights online.. And sure, there's others I talk to on the very rare occasions where we both find time and happen to be online.. like Chess, Microvie, Neopuc, Dinosorceror, Branosuk, it's just very short talks and damn rare.

I miss spending whole days chatting... Miss times like when I could spend ages talking to Mud, I frankly did not care about half of the things he said, but I listened, keept track and the conversation was pleasant in itself... To bad he was such an American. Patriots really give me a headache since I will never, ever understand what kind of thoughts are behind it.

But if anyone who reads this knows if these people are still around... Please say hi to them for me, would ya? Haven't seen or heard from Darkskolf / Mad Russian for ages... Shiro Tanuki is still mia to me as well. I have to think for several minutes because there's so many names. But if anyone sees Neil nowadays, I'm curious if that crazy lil Canadian is all wee and well to. And honestly, most of them don't mean anything.. They just knew me for the play and the porn anyway.

There's two people who I regret breaking contact with though, but I have no way which I could get back in touch with them by now, I think. I regret argueing so badly with Spike, the one fella I know which was anywhere near as sexually obsessed as myself. *chuckle* ...I remember our many, many long chats and plays together with a certain fondness I can't describe. And though the reasons for our arguements still are in my head and feel true, they just don't burn as strong anymore. I miss him.

A much more recent one is Zstorm.. Though I honestly still fume over how things went with him. We spent well over 4 years as friends... The final year feeling like I was watching him go further and further away. Promises, confrontations and mostly shit happened the last couple of times we met and in the very end, after a confrontation last October where I was very, very messed up from a horrendous amount of real life events going poorly and huge amounts of stress, he broke his word yet again after I told him it would be the tombstone of our friendship if he did. I can't stop thinking about him though... I miss him a lot, my brain and heart just don't want to register that he could be that bad. I don't want him to be. But I doubt anyone will ever see him around... If you do though... ...I don't know, I don't have any ideas for what to say nor do anymore. I exhausted all ideas trying to mend our friendship long ago.

Sorry for the long read and thank you for your time..

Oh, and a final lil warning... The person that caused all this with her rants, manipulative behaviour and uncaring attitude calls herself Reiku. It's not usually my thing to 'hang people out' - But if this warning can reach a single person and 'take a toy away' from her so she has less people to manipulate and hurt, then it's all good.

Sometimes...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 13:15:33 GMT

We find ourselves wandering paths we have no idea how to wander.
We stumble, we push onwards and sometimes we stray.

It's a harsh truth, but a truth nevertheless...
Dealing with things just ain't enough sometimes and we lose track of the true goal.
And do things that give us some temporary joy, even if it's stupid or dangerous.

But it's part of our nature, part of how we think and exist.
And feel free to call me an animal anyday, for that is what we all are in the end.
Animals that stray from their path and wander their own paths in search of something more.

To add confusion, here's a lil poem to go along with that.

Silly things are said and done, rules are set to limit fun.
Regulations carry some actual worth at times, but most of the modern are made to feed slimes.
Horrid rulers make for pisspoor events, starvation and greed for all ladies and gents.
We raise words like civilized to a level of class, when all we can do is talk out of our ass.
Pathetic, revolting, idoitic humanity. Thank you for giving me these words that are free.

How you know when you need to clean ya room...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:32:12 GMT

...When ya start having trouble moving due to the stuff you've got in it cutting into the space out in the middle of the room!

So for the first time in.. 5-8 years, I'm reorganizing and cleaning my room. And far from for naughty, now I've re-arranged my pr0n and restacked my personal library of various literature as well as putting the books I've borrowed aside.

I also found letters from an dear old friend.. Which meant a lot to me as I re-read them. Enough for me to use a find-site and send her a text-message. Hopefully she wouldn't mind getting into touch again, but after 4 years of silence between us I doubt anything will happen. Who knows though, right?

Dust-covered guy, signing out and diving back into the dirt.

Just checking here...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:42:58 GMT

...Does anyone actually read these things or am I writing them as some kinda crazy personal journal?

Would appreciate any sign or else I think I'll just take everything here down.

Lots of stress lately.. So... GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Fri, 22 May 2009 14:04:13 GMT

So.. Swedish law is one screwed up Marijuana-induced dream. Just to give a pointer, murder and driving people to death while drunk are two crimes that barely give jailtime here in Sweden - If at all - Since our system bealive in rehabiliation and the greater good in people. Which is wierd, considering how most of our populace that are happy and deal with life have embraced that there is no good in humanity. We just go on saying there is since we'd be fucked without hope.

We might lose about half of our garden, that's a third of our property in total- along with a fair share of mothers beloved gardening, several trees our family has planted and nurtured, half of a storage building and a gardening house - Because our neighbhour that has rented us the soil for over 30 years do not like that we want the right institutions taking a look at our water supply and ensure it has - nor will - be contaminated by some digging he is doing close to our property. And it's breaking up my overly timid mom, I had to threaten my dad to keep him from going over there and doing something stupid.

That's been wearing and stressing me out the past few days now, since my parents are left in that state and I'm the one calling lawyers and seeing what I can do to get the sitouation under control. Legally, at least, though it's damn hard finding good options for that right now.

Outside of that, I feel I've been mocked by a pair of employers I've applied for lately... Our local library needed an assistant, so I applied, only to do some calls and find that I had no chance in hell - Because I'm a man. Since I'm a guy, of course there's no way I'm as good as anyone else at handling children. Hell, the boss was surprised and propably a bit annoyed at me for calling even. And after having spent half a lifetime being beaten up over being a guy and discriminating women because I'm born with a ramming rod below my belt, that's 'mildly' infuriating. Another place is a job at a school as journalist and webmaster, where I called three times with 1 week in between to check how things were going and if I was being considered. The first two times, the process was yet to be handled while the third - It was apparently finished before I did my first call.

There's a lot of options starting to tempt over here and I suppose that gives me a hint of why Sweden punishes drugdealers more firmly than killers. Good thing patiotism is America-only or we'd have a big bunch of lunatics coming from Sweden to with how people are being treated with this America-loving government. Screwing up absolutely everything, the damn tards.

Hmm...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 11 May 2009 11:18:42 GMT

Just re-read this journal back from the posts I made way back in 2005-2006.

And realized how true something a fella said to me some time ago, namely that I've changed into a whole other person.

Hehe, let's hope it's all for the better and nothing was lost in the transfer. ;3
The old posts here show a whiny, attentionwhoring, dark side of me that served all things bad in my life and rubbed his face into it while trying to get someone else to munch away at it as well.

Leaving it there as a reminder to myself though. Hoping that in the end, it will do some good.

Now, off to dull-ass meeting and buying something nice for the family to munch upon when I return!
The sun shines and the wind is cool - Perfected weather for us southern Swedes.

Gaming, mostly L4D but also some hopes for Starcraft 2.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 11 May 2009 10:57:19 GMT

Spent Thursday evning till Sunday with friends, dragging our computers together and LANing our arses off with Left 4 Dead.

Of course, we kicked major butt online, losing three out of the thirty or so full campaigns we played. I say losing though in reality we never finished them, one was pretty much a sure loss since we faced a really good team. Bravados to them, they almost crushed our spirit. The other two was abandoned because we noticed the shop was closing soon and we still needed to buy dinner for the day - The final one deserted due to exhaustion and annoyance rising as we were playing around 2 in the morning after two days full of gaming already.

Now, if I could get the other three interested, I'd say we'd make a team good enough to get pretty high in tournaments, though of course we'd set our aim at winning the whole thing. With that said, I've decided that now that I'm 22, turning 23.. I need to take that shot at 'the dream all boys share' and aim for some tournament-gaming.

I've only been in a few local tournaments back when we had a gaming café and I placed top 3 in the ones I entered. Of course, competition was of varied quality but I fend fairly well for myself online as well. Just want to give it a shot before I get 'to old' or something more pressing - Like an actual job - Comes into my life and makes it one of those long lost dreams.

So, the name of the game is Starcraft 2 and I'm aiming to lose my own and 2 friends life into immense amounts of playing it and hunting down tournaments in hopes of making some profits from it as well. I know these fellas since years back and both of them are good gamers, one of them actually being challanging and fun to play against 1 on 1 in RTS's for me - and that's a rare occurance. :) The other is one out of four people ever to beat me at Starcraft in multiplayer. So I have rather high hopes for it all in all.

Just wish Red Alert 3 had been a better game so I could had poked into tournaments with that one, but the entire damn thing just feels like a money-reaper and so annoyingly... cartoony. Like something a drugged old American would think up when being waken up with the words "The REDS are COMING!"

Frustration. Creativity. Personality. Got all 3, check.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Fri, 01 May 2009 11:16:21 GMT

Hi to whomever reads this! Feel free to comment and please leave any tip you might have to deal with the below issues. Let's go backwards from the entry name and start from the beginning..

Did a personality test again to see if I've changed.. and I've gone from 'nurser' to 'motivator' - In other words I've gotten a more dominant personality which prefer to whip others around and motivate them rather than doing the damn work myself. *laughs*

At least that's how it feels like right now when I've had a creative torrent tearing into me, forcing so many ideas into my head that I feel like I'm mentally fumbling about for them like a fella trying to read the text on papers caught up in a tornado surrounding him.

Trying to scribble down words and hints, though the list is getting ridiculously long without me ever getting around to tearing into it and writing things down. Been working out some story-trades with a few people that were up for it and typing this little journal addition now to keep my fingers busy and hopefully my head a hint focused for a few moments.

The creative storm that's going on is kinda wearing me out mentally and frustrating me to the verge of tears since I simply can't get anything done no matter how I beat myself up and tell myself to get to it already. Kinda like an inverted writers block, I suppose, heh.

So ye, that's where the frustration comes into the picture - Not being able to think straight due to swarms of ideas filling my head, getting headache because ideas simply keep going and has been at it for over 48 hours now and I wish I knew someone IRL I could draw, write or at the very least talk with about all of this - Get a creative think-tank together so there could actually be a product from all of this.

Sadly though, I'm stuck far away from anyone even remotely at the same level... But hopefully that won't be forever. Gotta remain optimistic and all. ;) In other news, continued hunt for employment, studies, anything to do for the time being that could help me get some funding to work with later on.

Oh, hello there!

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:28:16 GMT

Well, 136 weeks since last LJ update so figured it was time for a new one! Yay for me! :3

Due to how curious I am about how many around here read these things, I'll be enforcing comments!
Ok, so I can't, but I can tell you to comment for dear life! SO DO IT!! Or you'll make Info mad.

Also, to make this little LJ a hint less meaningless - Have a link to a nice lil funky arena-game, with my compliments!

http://inforiel.mybrute.com

Heck, I'm bored so I'll toss in a brief review of the game to!

My Brute is a no-control online fighter game with soloplayer properties. To those of you who are right now lifting an eyebrow and thinking "What the..?" - Here's what it means.

You create your character, you click "Send to battle." and click on the character someone else has created then proceed to watch (or skip, if you prefer) how they beat the living snot out of each other in more or less vividly graphical ways.

I like this game because it's simple, lets ya get a wicked chuckle and does of cuteness at the same time - And it consumes very little time! Even if you sit and watch your daily round of fights all the way through, it only takes 5 minutes or so.

Not all to horribly addictive, doesn't cost a penny, no upgrades or anything avaliable. Only thing ya can do is fight, fight and fight. :) Merry good fun.

I'll see about updating here more often.. I just might nowadays!

Long time no post.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 12:21:07 GMT

Hmm.. should propably stay that way.. not much to say here anyway.. I'll try though..

Coming closer and closer to my driving license now.. just the final of the.. *counts mentally* 9 tests or so left. the practical driving test. Teacher says I need more experience though, so listening to him and gonna drive about for another month or so.. City-traffic is a pain.. Who needs to go where there's so much people anyway.. Just trouble.

As for news.. well, I dug out some books last night.. ancient memories for me.. Books that noone else but me has read in.. the ones I've written my poems in. I glanced through them.. the pages still wrinkled with what used to be tears.. here and there a few stains of blood, sometimes an fingerprint..

Damn I've been fucked up.. It made me chuckle though. Lately I've just laughed at anything that's tragic.. laughed and laughed.. until I start crying.. and then I laugh some more because I'm crying and cry some more at laughing.. It's strange how life can allow us to do these things.. Anyhow.. enough already.. Bye journal.

Been a while.. let's add some crap..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 00:58:38 GMT

So.. adding some quotes here that I think I'm first with.. Otherwise, please do tell..

"My muse must be made in Taiwan.. why you ask? Because it's broken all the time!" - Info

"Pain and suffering is part of life, and without it we wouldn't be able to see or understand the other side of life. It would be like an sphere which is flat whereever you stand. Impossible." - Info

"I'm full of myself, I know. It comes with being born with abnormally high intelligence levels, learning just about anything you want to in a short time, and being overally bored because everything is easy and repeatively dull. I even hate myself because I'm so good. It's dull as hell." - Info

"There are a hundred ways for me to kill you, a thousand for me to harm you through violence, a million to tear your mind apart slowly.. But in the end death gets you anyway, so why bother?" - Info

"You can't trust anything that's human, and by now humanity is so widespread it has affected not only the Earth, but also the sun and the space around us. Thus, I trust in nothing but the death that comes to collect us steadily and at it's own pace." - Info

"To claim perfection is a flaw in itself." - Info

"People accuse me of annoying them, but they are the only ones allowing themselves to be annoyed." - Info

"You have to be really, really smart like me to be able to be stupid like me." - Info

"There is this feeling in my eye, such a wierd and bizarre thing.. makes me blink in confusion and look in the mirror.. Then someone told me that it was, indeed, a tear.. " - Info

"Memory is overrated, it tends to cause more pain than any good. Either we regret not remembering the stuff we need/want to, or we remember all the stuff we wish to forget/miss!" - Info

"Love?! What fool are you to bealive in love!? Love is an illusion of the human mind, a mere connection of nerves causing the creation of certain stimulating chemicals in the emotionally based parts of your brain, giving you such a happy thrill that you wish to feel more of this pleasent feeling. So, in short, if you feel a need for love, think sex and the joy will come from itself." - Info

"This is quite annoying.. Just look above.. Loads and loads of crap, nothing truelly relevant and most of it sucks anyway.. " - Info

Stolen from Rafael..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 25 May 2006 01:42:08 GMT

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High-Moderate
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Extremely High
Cyclothymia:	Extremely High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Shamelessly stolen from an friends post..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 08 May 2006 21:58:44 GMT

Sometimes we find a song that matches..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 15:03:38 GMT

..and this is perfect for me.. And just how I feel for you, "dear" father.

Die motherfucker die. By Dope.

~ Lyrics Start ~

I don't need your forgiveness
I don't need your hate
I don't need your acceptance
So what should I do
I don't need your resistance
I don't need your prayers
I don't need your religion
I don't need a thing from you

I don't do what I've been told
Your so lame why don't you

Just go
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die

I don't need your prison
I don't need your pain
I don't need your decision
So what should I do
I don't need your approval
I don't need your hope
I don't need your lectures
I don't need a thing from you

I'll be sorry when I'm old
You're so full of shit man

Just go
Die mother fucker die mother fucker die

Boom

I don't need your forgiveness
I don't need your hate
I don't need your acceptance
So what should I do

I'll be sorry so you've said
I'm not sorry
Bang You're Dead

Die mother fucker die mother fucker die

Die

~ End lyrics ~

With "love", your son.

I could write on forever...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Wed, 08 Mar 2006 20:14:46 GMT

About so damn many meaningless things.. here's some stuff I stole from other friends posts and did for myself:

YOU ARE ... COLD BLOODED KILLER! (Kamuro from

Kamikaze)

What Kind of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your a stealthy Assailant. You strike out of

nowhere and don't even give anyone enough

time to process what happened. No one gets in

your way without punishment. One second

he/she is talking to a friend and the other

he/she's in the next world.

What kind of killer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a gryphon. You're very powerful without

needing to brag about it. Creativity is one

of your strong suits. Your outward

personality may change drastically according

to your mood, which is not always a good

thing. You're a loyal guardian when you

choose to be and you're aligned towards

*good*.

What mythical beast are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Wizard. You are sharp and independant.

Nothing escapes your eye. Your greatest

attribute is you intellect, and you know

which battles you can win and which you can

lose. Wizards often are peaceful until

provoked and will use their powers for good

or evil as they choose.

- What kind of Warrior are you? -
brought to you by Quizilla

A poem for my niece.

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 18:14:15 GMT

Little child, hold on and be strong.
Little child, it's far to early for you to be gone.
Baby girl, there is a world waiting for you.
Baby girl, don't give into reality being cruel.
Sisters child, I wonder if you'll be as wild as she.
Sisters child, defeat this illness and we'll see.

Another day passes as a sandcorn in a timeglass.. etc etc

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 21:18:47 GMT

Well.. what happened today.. well.. dreamt, if wierdly, as I wanted to.. So that's the first dream in a long time.

I feel that I have figured out parts of myself which I didn't know before.. because it feels correct when I assumed I consiously shut down parts of my mental self. Could call it a personality reset. Heh. Propably the closest I can come to explaining it.

I did a pretty big physics test today.. Pretty sure it came out alright... I hope it did. If it didn't, I'm gonna need to get myself together.. 100%.. It's all or nothing after the next week.

I think a bit about my sister... about her newlyborn... I've been worried for her for almost 4 full months.. but now, when the worry is gone.. I feel nothing.. I don't really care anymore.. what's wrong with me.. I spent a while just staring into my palm today.. thinking about why I'm made of flesh and blood when my thoughts and emotions doesn't seem human.

I'm getting afraid of myself.. because I feel I'm growing ever more forgetful.. ever more tired.. heh.. It's like I'm aging inside and draining something I should have plenty off. I'm steadily annoying my friends more and more.. which just makes me even more afraid and thoughtful.

I don't know what's up with this wierd mood that has taken over me as of late. It's like nothing I've ever feelt before.. It just.. consumes me. I'm having headaches all the time.. I'm forgetful.. I just don't know what to think anymore..

But I cling to faith and hope yet.. heh... And as such.. It will get better. Love ya all.

Sitouation:

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 20:39:22 GMT

Just need to think.. bad things or good things first?

I think I'll start with the good things...

Well.. Let me see... The younger of my 2 elder sisters gave birth to a healthy little girl and to my knowledge they are both doing well. So that's one worry less since I've been afraid about them both for the past few months, my sister wasn't doing to well for a while. Anyway.. I' uncle for the 4th time already.. became uncle for the first time when I was around 6-7.. and hopefully this will be the last time.. hell.. I just realised.. those kids are propably gonna get families before I do.. bloody hell..

I'm happy about the things I had time to learn from the place I've lived the past 1.5 month, they taught me some useful things and the discussions and arguements we've had have been useful, I think..

I've regained a bit of my proper way of thinking, at times I am even outright smart.. Which, according to my friend here, is unusual since he's been pissed at me for a very long time since I'm having trouble not being a goofy jerk.. And at one occasion I even helped him... which also has been rare the past few years..

Hmm... well... I've tried and been more open about how I feel with people since it makes me feel more comfortable around people... but... other than this I can't really think of much things to put in the "good" category.

Well, for the bad things then.

I'm gonna have to move to my sisters place since my friend and his family can't afford keeping the apartment.. Because his mom lost a job because of a damned bureaucrat boss-bitch.. *frowns* .. still pissed about that.. and disappointed at there being nothing to be done about it..

Urr.. I guess it's kinda negative that I don't think I can keep myself in proper mental control.. I mean, I don't have the discpline to restrict my eating habits.. how I study.. etc etc.. I just can't get myself into caring about such things.. the future doesn't bother me until it's the present, ya know.. that kinda thinking is propably gonna get me killed..

Hmm... I got emotions running about all inside me.. and yet I don't feel much for my IRL life.. hell.. I have trouble even finding any care for my own mother.. which I also think is pretty bad... I can't be consumed by hate and anger, because I'm calm as a roadkill.. hehe... I just don't know what's up..

And of course, there is the ever-lasting problem that I'm not rich enough... I'd love being a near millionare... heh.. but on the other hand, that would propably boost my laziness and other negative sides.. In a more realistic perspective though, I could turn this into a positive thing, if I could bring myself to care about my own existence.. Then money becomes more important and thus can be used as a motivation to increase my skills so that I can bring in a higher income.

Neutral matters:

uhm.. A greeting to all my dear friends out there... To Misha, Sparky, Jan, BigD, Zstorm, Cerberus, Draconder... hmm.. I hope I don't forget anyone... Who else has truelly been there for me lately... I honestly can't remember.. I lose the memories of what has been rapidly and I don't know why, really..

Thanks to KoCBrocksel for some nice music.. Mors Principium Est (Death's Principle in latin) is really nice..

I'm gonna study one of my largest passions ever since I've let it almost die during the last few years... I'm gonna put myself on studying Spanish, Russian, Italian, Latin and perhaps even French.. Have some thoughts about Chinese to..

I guess that's everything for now... Be well and prosper.. everyone.. out there.. friends, enemies, loved ones and the rest of the sentinent beings as well... From a man who is forcing faith into humanity.. *laughs* Starting with himself.

Ya know.. I am trying..

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 08:28:01 GMT

I just feel I can't control myself.. I get so afraid when I feel about a dousin emotions all at once, the stronger ones pinning me down and smothering me into depressions.. I want to smile.. I want to be happy.. I know I have to do something.. I just can't see what. I mean.. how the hell do you control yourself? It's something we're born with, ain't it? I know I've either broken that bond or never had it.. *sighs* And it is hell to rebuild, it seems.. Just gonna shut up and curl up somewhere.. Got class and stuff.. Need to concentrate on that before anything..

I don't want to anymore.. I don't.. I don't wanna.. noooo.. please don't make me...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 22:26:29 GMT

..Life is like a cruel parent.. always coming back to drag you out of your dreams, which works pretty much the same as your bed.. it shields you from the cold fact of reality.. From being forced into a fucked up society.. to be forced into a role... to not be yourself... My real name.. is Richard... and I want to stop playing the damn role where I smile like some freak... there ain't no damn thing here to smile about.. I'm stuck studying for a job I don't want.. but it gives a fat paycheck and I happen to be born with the brain to handle just about anything... Which is another cruel joke... Take my damn IQ, I don't want it!! It's a fucking curse to have here!?! I've been trying anything from hiding it to forecfully degrading it... the only thing that works is fucking yourself up, which you do automatically because you have to many thoughts for it ever to be healthy...

IRL, I got a loving mother who will most likely be dead soon.. a father whom doesn't know what emotions mean and is likely to die before my mother.. I got an elder sister whom is 15 years older than me.. Whom is stressed apart and just parts of the person I got to know before she moved out of me life when I was 7.. My other sister, just 10 years older than me, actually had time to develop a relation with me before she moved... she teased me enough for me to bother remembering her even... But after she moved home, we've meet... very rarely..

On my fathers side of the family, I'm seen as a black sheep, because I don't put my whole life into working myself to death.. My parents are wierd to say the least, having suffered from tons of bizarre freaking things throughout their whole lives.. And when I was younger I was more or less raised by my grandparents instead, since both mom and dad where away and working.. This means, that of course I got truelly attached to them.. Which means when they both died in cancer it hurt like nothing I can ever describe in words... To see them slowly writhe away like that.. to hear them talk.. just remembering it all..

I studied.. I tried to find a reason to study.. There is none.. "my life"... I don't have a life.. because what I would like to live for is already dead in this whole world... The few people whom actually bealive in the same things as me have been herded into a small flock which meets online.. and is slowly dying out in this corrupted society and pain-filled world... Few bealive in honour, few bealive in true friendship... even fewer in true, actual love.. and I do wonder if anyone really gives a shit in the end..

Anyone who reads all of this... just stop crying, smirking, growling, staring, whimpering, feeling pity or whatever you might be doing right now.. And just think instead... People actually thinking is freaking extinct.. The world isn't about what you see.. it's about what it can be.. and that's just one thing you have to use your god-damn brain to understand... I'm gonna go and lay down in my bed and cry like... I don't know what.. I just know I want to cry.. because noone around here is gonna open their eyes and look.. everyone prefers to keep em tightly shut... lock themselves into their own worlds of political intrugees, wars, illness, accidents and all kinds of pain... Well, bloody enjoy it.. and good night... and don't ever expect me to write anything more about my life in public like this.. I'm already regretting even bothering..

Damn all these things that flow in my veins, heating my anger and turning me insane...

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 21:56:14 GMT

"Blessing of the wicked."

'The darkness outside, a perfect place for my soul to hide.
The stars visible high above, reflecting the feelings that I call love.
In solitude, all I'd know is shame.
In company, all winds up with pain.
In sanity, all is done in vain.
In reality, there is nothing to gain.
I'm blessed with thoughts and eyes that see different from most.
A voice and apparence so people treat me like a ghost.
I am the unseen spy, the man with untold eyes.
Whom tend to find the truth and cut apart the lies.
I still ask me this single question, why are we to be?
There is no hope in this existence, I beg to be set free.'

"Love, Hate, Faith."

'I still remember you, who you are and how I feelt when we spoke.
When I think of you know, I feel warm tears and tend to choke.
My heart still feels for you, gripping after phantoms inside me.
I look around but my love for you still grips me tight.
No matter how I try, I can't escape the fight.
I see your face, I hear your words, and cry out into the silent night.
I grit my teeth, pull at my hair and try to hit something, anything to end this blight.
There are people who have taunted me, friends whom stabbed me deep inside.
But from these things I could escape, from their laughs my soul could hide.
Your words and play have burnt into me, making certain I cannot be free.
You took the words faith, you took the word love.
You took off my time, you encouraged false joy.
Then.. when the time had come.
You slashed and they all where gone.
You can't dream of how I've cried.
You can never repair what has died.
But do you even bother to care?
No, you ignore me, as I sit here and stare...'

Going home again.... yawns

deathknightrillec@hotmail.com — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 14:02:34 GMT

Damn my parents... wanting me home every now and then... It's such a joy being without those damn old sods... ^^

May they leave plenty of cash, a stash and a car. ^^ *thumbs up and shiney smile*

oh.. and I want their house to.

What kind of God are you?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You earthly time was spent	Supplanting kingdoms, punishing tyrants and levelling the empires of the wicked with the breath of your nostrils
Your throne is	fashioned from thorns and human femurs, surrounded by writhing, howling servants, with a footstool of souls on the sizzling shores of the Lake of Fire
You wear	A rainbow for a sash, and mountains for shoes
Your Godly superpower is	The knowledge of and answer to all questions

This quiz by pelagicboreas - Taken 75452 Times. </a>